


Babes in Queensland

by missdibley



Series: The Red Nose Diaries [49]
Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Conversation, F/M, Flirting, Pillow Talk, Tickling, laughing, pepe le pew - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-18 04:22:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8148971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missdibley/pseuds/missdibley
Summary: More pillow talk between Tom and Carmen, this time about Pepe Le Pew, those Gucci photos, and what Carmen likes to shop for on-line.





	

**Menswear**

“Why do you look like you want to murder your computer?”

“I don’t want to murder my computer. I would, however, would like to yell at these chicks who think you got the Gucci campaign because of her.”

“Oh Button…”

“Don’t they know how magazine production schedules work? Was nobody paying attention during _The Devil Wears Prada?!”_

“I thought you were going to stay off Tumblr.”

“As if The Human Pool Noodle would know anything about menswear. Bet she can’t even spell Gucci…”

“Eheheheheheheh.”

“Why do you look so serious in these pictures anyway?”

“We were going for something sort of, erm, atmospheric.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Well, sexy yet serious while also a bit absurd.”

“I thought that’s what the Afghans were for.”

“They were lovely dogs.”

“They look kind of stuck-up.”

“I assure you, as far as dogs go, they were playful and professional.”

“Much like you.”

“I like to think so.”

“You’re basically a human golden retriever so of course you got along with them.”

“A golden retriever?”

“I’ve always thought so. Though they’re not very bright.”

“So a golden retriever with brains? That’s what I am?”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve always thought of myself as Pepe Le Pew.”

“A randy cartoon skunk who can’t take no for an answer?”

“He’s persistent.”

“Hmm.”

“Romantic.”

“I suppose.”

“Bilingual.”

“Oh?”

_“Parece que te gusta cuando te hablo en español.”_

“Ohhhhhhhhhh…”

_“Cuando yo digo obscenidades. Cuando me toco así. ”_

“Button…”

_“Por favor, Tomás, llamame Botón.”_

**“UNF.”**

* * *

****“Stop, start again, be surprising.”** **

“My shirt looks good on you, Button.”

“Your shirt looks _better_ on me, Baby.”

“I stand corrected, among other things.”

“Oh?”

“Mmmmm.”

“Oh!”

“Eheheheheheh.”

“Standing at attention already?”

“It was a long summer. I think this reconciliation is going well but you’re leaving tomorrow so lest we lose any forward momentum…”

“Well, gee, when you put it that way…”

“Allow me to inject some romance back into this conversation then.”

“You know, when you use the word ‘inject’ while not so subtly glancing down at your dick, I get the feeling that romance isn’t quite what you were going for.”

“I like to keep it interesting.”

“So you think fucking me again is gonna do that?”

“That or…”

“Oh no, you get those fingers away from meeeeeeeeee!”

“A-ha!”

“Goddammit Hiddle— Tom! Bwahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!”

“Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!”

“Your freakishly long fingers!”

“All the better to tickle you with my dear. Ow, no biting!”

“I… I… oh god, I think I’m gonna pull something! I’m gonna pee!”

“Make up your mind, Button…”

“Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Nooooo!”

“But you squirm… oh… so… nicely!”

“Asshole! Bwahahahahahahaha!”

“C’mere, Brat!”

“Nuh… no!”

“I’ve got you!”

“Do you now?”

“Pinned beneath me, wiggling oh so nicely in the infamous blue t-shirt of sex, as you call it.”

“That’s its name, don’t wear it out.”

“Your utter surrender to he who is me is imminent!”

“Just as soon as you make this speech, sure.”

“Silence, Button!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now that I have you, I must compel you to confess something.”

“Must I?”

“As a Catholic, this will seem familiar.”

“Funny, this doesn’t look like the confessional at my mother’s church in Park Ridge.”

“Admit it, Carmen. The suits, the shoes, everything from the Gucci photo shoot… you thought they were awful, didn’t you?”

“What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?”

“More like the British Invasion.”

“Eh.”

“Not sexy, huh?”

“Let’s get back to my confession.”

“Right-o.”

“I thought you looked very handsome.”

“But…”

“Those shoes were a real ladyboner killer.”

“Just the shoes?”

“And just about everything else.”

“Ah.”

“Keep in mind, you looked glorious because, well, you are quite handsome.”

“Huh.”

“And a good sport.”

“A good sport?”

“I mean, you’d have to be, to wear those shoes with the fur…”

“Minx!"

* * *

  ** **Babes in Toyland** **

“What are you doing?”

“I’m on Amazon. Need more shampoo, some other stuff. It should be waiting for me when I get home on Wednesday.”

“Ah.”

“Huh.”

“What is it?”

“I was looking for a fun tub stopper — you know, the kind with a chain that has a little boat or a tiny whale to float up top.”

“Adorable.”

“Only for some reason I blanked on the word ‘stopper’ and so I typed in the word ‘plug’ instead.”

“Hmm.”

“And now it seems I’m looking at butt plugs.”

“Hmm.”

“I know this is 2016 but it’s still surreal to me, you know? That I can order a set of butt plugs, my favorite Korean facial cleanser, and ankle weights from the same place and have it arrive in the same package.”

“Well, they are all personal care items in one form or another.”

“Ooooh, these are pretty.”

“Are they?”

“They’re jeweled, like [these toys](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_Secrets) I had when I was little.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“I’m not so sure about that, actually.”

“Eheheheh.”

"What about these? Black with green jewels. _Très_ Loki, wouldn’t you say?"

"Hmm."

"But not Tom so much. Right?"

"Hmm."

“See anything you like?”

“Oh, but erm, ah…”

“Maybe it’s too soon, but I thought… just in case. And I got rid of the stuff we had before.”

“Did you?”

“Pretty much. Sorry about that.”

“It’s alright, Darling.”

“So why don’t I just scroll slowly down the page. If you see a something you like…”

"Hmm."

“Tug on your earlobe or something.”

“Hmm.”

"I'll take that as a yes."

…

…

...

"These? Okay. Black silicone. No adornment. These are actually training ones."

"You have to start somewhere, darling."

"What made you think these were for me?"

...

"Don't look so innocent."

"It's just..."

"I just thought this could be fun. You know, rebuilding the arsenal.”

"Oh god."

"Oh my god! An **ARSE** NAL!"

“Carmen…”

"Get it?! Haaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm a genius."

“Carmen, you pine nut…”

“Seriously, though, we can think about it. Discuss further when you come back to England. And, ah, in the meantime, we’ll just have to make do with these…”

“Is that…?”

[“Yes, the pink paddle I stole from that Wimbledon party last summer.”](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4262145)

“Lovely.”

“And there’s this.”

“Is that a vibrator?”

“Yes.”

“It looks like an iPhone mated with a dolphin.”

“It has a name.”

“Naturally.”

“Magnus. His name is Magnus.”

“What? Why?”

“Guess.”

“It’s made in Sweden.”

_“Ja.”_

“Of course.”

“Also Kenneth Branagh bought it for me.”

“WHAT.”

“Kidding.”

“Anything else?"

_“Jag älskar dig, Tomas.”_

“I love you, too.”


End file.
